Preached my head off and my heart out tonight - the third message in 48 hours I have given. Even though I felt at the height of weakness, the Lord was gracious to me, surely because of His love for me and for the hearers, and His earnest desire and understanding that the messages on His love were necessary, exceedingly more so that I’ll ever know or be able to communicate.

It is an amazing gift of the Lord to preach, and a joy to be "caught up" in the whirlwind of His word, speaking the things you hear, see, and experience, and the things you catch glimpses of, though afar off, but in the straining of prayer and voice attempt to articulate. It is sincerely humbling, for every time you see how much you need the very Word you gave, perhaps moreso than those hearing! And, having reached a pinnacle with the revelation you were given, you proclaim it, only to see, as you do, that there are infinitely higher heights that you have yet to even begin to understand.

You don’t despise the revelation, for it is high to you, but for the greater heights one must continually lay Himself down, trusting in the readiness of the Father to lift us up and take us ever step of the way. You don’t know what to do, either to continue to plead the truth from the peak on which you stand, or continue to press on to higher heights. Then, the word hits you, "My son, do not cease to learn, lest you forget what you’ve already learned." And higher and higher you go, knowing you don’t fully understand where you’ve been but that you must go onward in the hand of a trustworthy guide.

More acutely, there is this restlessness, especially after preaching, this ache that seems to grow. It can be easily dulled by going into some other mind-numbing activity, but it returns again and again. It is the feeling of being poured out, which is a good thing, and it is that feeling that is inspiring us to be filled again, lest we, being in the vulnerable state of emptiness we are in, are quickly filled with something other and darker.

For me, it is also this feeling that reminds me that preaching is never and can never be my highest calling. Oh how I used to think it truly was in God. How thankful I am now that its’ not! It is surely a joy and a blessing, but it reinforces what I know to be true, that my highest calling is my own personal singular pursuit of the knowledge of God. That alone is eternal life (John 17:3), that alone satisfies and sustains, and though I am called to preach, my identity is a child of God meant to be in His embrace. Seasons of preaching will surely come and they will go, but let my heart always be before Him, the all-consuming fire.

To the young(er) preacher, I exhort you - do not be deceived, though many men make a glamorous picture of preaching, they may still be dead on the inside, bored in their life with God. Your heart before the Lord, more than your words before men, will sustain you in the night hour. Then, your preaching, having been placed in proper order, will be more authentic, and God will honor that with grace and favor. So I am believing for myself!